Mars and Venus

Last week I wrote about reframing how I’ve been thinking about my teen’s “acting out” behavior. As I try to maintain an open mind about his choices, I received the valuable reminder from a counselor that the functioning of his teen brain won’t much resemble the functioning of my adult brain until he’s well into his 20s… So, in truth, there isn’t alot that I believe, do, or say that really makes much sense to him right now.

How can communications gaps like this be bridged, so we can get closer to those we care about or, for that matter, anyone we share space with for a time? A few things come to mind….
1) Take the first step
2) Listen to what the other person says and observe what they do.
3) Learn their “language.” Ask questions. How do they go about making decisions? What are their likes and dislikes? Their values and priorities?
4) Use their language, not yours, as the basis of your communication with them.
5) Help them to understand how things may look different from your perspective.
6) Fill in persistent gaps with universal languages such as music, nature, art, love.

Hope you have a wonderful week…
Mary Lou

thinking out of the box

Do you have a way of looking at something, or a particular interpretation of a situation in your life that you would like to reframe, or see from a different angle? Perhaps you’re feeling stuck in your view, and you know it’s getting you nowhere fast? A simple exercise I learned in coach training is to think of something you’d like to reframe, then pretend it’s your best friend’s challenge, and you have been called on to help. Think of a question that would shed new light on this issue for them and ask it. It’s amazing how open-minded and creative we become when we think our best friend’s well-being depends on it!

Here’s one of my own views that I recently reframed using this process: The old view was how utterly stupid my 16 year old son is for experimenting with marijuana and skipping school. Using this question, “Is it possible that your son is doing exactly what he needs to do right now to learn what he needs to know?” I have developed a more empowering view which acknowledges the richly valuable life lessons his (seemingly) stupid behavior is presenting him with.

Believe me, this process is guaranteed to unstick you at least a little…. I hope you’ll try it!

With love,
Mary Lou

Getting curious about yourself: the power of questions

One of the best ways you can get to the bottom of your life is to ask yourself higher level questions, those “big picture” queries that help you discover the truth about who you are and how you wish to express yourself in the world.

We are far more accustomed to asking ourselves lower level questions, questions that move us through our daily routine — for example, “What’s my plan?” “What do I need to do now?” and “How do I do it?” While these questions are useful for strategizing and getting things done, they do nothing to ensure that what we are so diligently planning-doing is what’s really best for us.

Higher level questions, on the other hand, can put us into alignment with our deepest needs and desires and dramatically alter the course of our lives.

Tomorrow, in addition to asking yourself those questions neeeded to work your basic to-do list, why not have some fun with a few of these? (And make sure to give yourself the time to answer!)

What makes me feel most excited, vibrant and alive?
What feelings do I most want to create today?
If you could walk through any door, what would it open to?
What do I care most about?
Who is in control of my life?
When does my life seem most effortless and in the zone?
What’s the first thing I would do if I won the lottery?

I’d love to hear if any of these questions (or others you may ask yourself) create any stirs or seismic shifts for you…

With love,
Mary Lou

PS. For a free list of 50 Power Questions, visit www.solutionbox.com

Celebrating Each Other

Celebration is a difficult topic to ponder during this week of loss. Living as I do near the Virginia Tech community, the last several days have been a blur of shock and sadness. Caring people around the world have joined us in our grief and buoyed us as we helped heart-broken loved ones honor 32 lives, each filled with great beauty and purpose. We have felt sorrow, too, for the troubled life of the man responsible and for the devastation experienced by his heart-broken family.

Can there be a more fitting response to such a tragedy than to redouble our efforts to truly see each other, know each other and celebrate each other, during our all too brief time together?

With love,
Mary Lou

Celebrating Every Day

What do you celebrate? Holidays? Major milestones? Special accomplishments – yours and others?
Have you ever thought about why you don’t spend more of your time celebrating? Why you don’t regularly tap into the connected and happy feelings that arise whenever we really appreciate anything?
Though we may think that celebrating the sun rising is over the top (though many cultures still do!) plenty of other opportunities to express gratitude – through giving thanks or high fives, or even bringing out the party hats and champagne toasts – are available to us every day. (In addition to helping us feel great at the time, we know that expressions of heart-felt appreciation bring more and more wonderful things to us.)

Why not celebrate…

a flower blooming in your garden
your teenager saying thank you
finally reaching that elusive customer service rep
getting your washing machine fixed
gas prices going down
your favorite food coming into season
having enough money to pay your bills
your friends, anytime or place
rain after a dry spell
another day of good health
waking up to bird songs
understanding something you didn’t understand yesterday
completing today’s to-do list
your favorite show being renewed

I still don’t celebrate as much as I’d like. It can sometimes seem indulgent or time-wasting. But I try to remember that doing and creating is the meat of life and celebration the wine. And a balanced meal tastes so much better…

What would you like to celebrate today? Please let me know!

Next blog: Celebrating the small stuff.

With love,
Mary Lou

Goal-setting for France

What does the goal setting process look like?

In the early 1990s my husband and I decided to sell our computer business and move with our two young children to France. We had never dreamed such a BIG dream before, but the idea of exploring a new culture and spending more family time together after years of being tied to a small business was irresistible. Since my husband was still busy with the shop, it fell upon me to get the ball rolling. I knew I could quickly be overwhelmed by the scope of this undertaking, so I committed to making the planning process as orderly, focussed and smooth as possible. I had just finished working through the exercises in Tony Robbins Personal Power series with my friend and learning partner, Anita, and she was more than willing to help me take on this challenge.

SETTING THE GOAL

First we set the goal. What exactly did we want and when did we want it to happen?
Though we weren’t yet aware of the S.M.A.R.T approach to goal setting, we seemed to follow this process rather instinctively.
We designed a goal that was…

Specific – to live in the Gascony region with a view of the Pyrenees in a farmhouse in the countryside for a year.

Measurable – because our goal was so detailed, it was easy to measure whether we were progressing toward it.

Action-based – to reach this goal would require taking specific actions (some of them new and challenging)

Reachable- we felt certain that this goal was not a pipe dream, that it actually could be done.

Time-bound - we set a firm time for completing this goal (our departure date) and bought tickets early which helped to keep us focussed and motivated.

CHOOSING THE ACTION STEPS

We then decided what needed to be accomplished to make this goal happen. For example:

Renting a house in France
Selling our business
Finding a renter for Chicago home
Getting passports/applying for visa
Packing and shipping household furnishings
Shipping car
Studying French

For each of these activities, we decided on small, clear action steps we would need to take, we wrote them in a planner, then developed a flowchart to make sure each was completed on time.

GETTING IT DONE

We we so excited by the vision of French country life, and so blessed by friends who wanted to support us that we accomplished all the necessary actions in time to board the ship to England.

I sincerely believe that effective goal setting transformed our dream of moving to France into reality. Just four and a half months after we made our decision there we were, enjoying our first bottle of wine on on the terrace of our 300 year old French farmhouse overlooking fields of poppies and sunflowers. Amazing!

I hope you’ll try goal setting and taking action to make all your own dreams come true.
Get excited and get support. And let me know if I can help…

With love,
Mary Lou

Goal-setting – the creative process

Why bother to set goals for yourself and take steps to achieve them?

In my view, there is nothing more empowering, more creative, or more confidence building than being able to identify a dream – whether a tentative longing or a wild imagining – and bring it to life.

And the goal setting process is a simple and proven way to do it.

You decide on something you want to have
You create a plan of action for achieving it
You take the steps you decided on
You monitor yourself so you stay on track
You evaluate how effectively your actions are moving you toward
your goal
You make any necessary changes to enhance your progress

As I was gaining proficiency in goal setting myself, my personal coach was invaluable along each and every step of the process — helping me decide which goals I wanted to focus on, working with me to flesh out concise and manageable action plans, keeping my motivation high, and staying right beside me to monitor and evalate how it was working. Though I can sustain this process quite well on my own now, coaching helps me move me through the steps more quickly, and spurs me to embark upon even bigger goals and challenges.

In my next blog, I’ll give an example what successful goal setting looks like.
I’d love to hear from you – has the goal setting process worked for you? Does anything trip you up along the way?

With love,
Mary Lou